Babaret
by Morcar
Summary: Wilkommen, Durah'Sim, Welcome. A deeply, deeply silly Babylon 5Cabaret crossover.


Scene: Babylon 5, Earth Alliance  
  
Time: 2260, 12 years after the Earth-Minbari war, shortly before the declaration of martial law.  
  
SCENE 1  
  
In the darkness, a large sign is illuminated, letter by letter. It reads: Zocalo. Then it disappears. There is a roll of the drums, then the MASTER OF CEREMONIES (MORDEN) enters in a spotlight upstage.  
  
MORDEN: (singing)  
  
Wilkommen, Durah'sim, Welcome  
  
Diplomant, Entrepreneur, Wanderer  
  
Nie'se schlect sim'wa, je suis enchante  
  
Happy to see you  
  
Naat, reste, Stay  
  
Wilkommen, Durah'sim, Welcome  
  
To Bab 5, the Zocalo, and Cabaret.  
  
Meine Damen und Herren, Minbari and Narn, Ladies and Gentlemen. Guten abend - Sim wa - good evening. Su E' san? - Comment ca va? - Do you feel good?  
  
Ich bin euer confrencier-je suis votre compere- My associates and I will be your hosts!  
  
Wilkommen, Durah'sim, Welcome  
  
To Bab 5, the Zocalo, and Cabaret.  
  
Leave your troubles outside. So, life is disappointing? Forget it! Everything here is beautiful. Life is beautiful. The girls are beautiful. Even the Ambassadors are beautiful!  
  
[KOSH runs on, plays once chorus of Wilkommen and leaves]  
  
...see I told you the Ambassadors were beautiful...  
  
And now presenting the station crew! [Enter CREW - whoever you can get in costume really, but milirtay personell only]  
  
Each and every one utterly loyal to earthforce. You don't beleive me? Well don't take my word for it. Go ahead, [indicates IVANOVA] ask her! Outside it is hard vacuum, but in here it is so hot - every night we have the battle to keep the crew from taking off all of their uniforms [CREW looks askance at IVANOVA, who looks sheepish]. So don't go away, who knows, tonight we may lose the battle!  
  
CREW  
  
Wir Sagen  
  
Wilkommen, Durah'sim, Welcome  
  
To Bab 5, the Zocalo, and Cabaret.  
  
[Enter GARIBALDI. He sits at a table and begins to watch the show]  
  
MORDEN: Meine Damen und Herren- Minbari and Narn - Ladies and Gentlemen - And   
  
now the Zocalo is proud to present a wonderful singer from the Centauri Republic. I give   
  
you the toast of the Centaurum - Ambassador Londo Mollari! (LONDO enters. He is dressed, if you can manage, in an absurd hybrid of 30s Veimar Cabaret and traditional Centauri regalia)  
  
LONDO (SINGING)  
  
Refa thinks I'm crawling round some caverns  
  
The Kha'ri's secret caverns  
  
On the underside of Narn.  
  
Refa doesn't even have an inkling  
  
That I've led him to a death trap  
  
In collusion with G'Kar  
  
So please sir, if you run into Lord Refa  
  
Don't reveal my machinations  
  
Give this double cross a chance  
  
Hush up, don't tell Refa  
  
Shush up, don't tell Refa  
  
Don't tell Refa, whatever you do  
  
(To GARIBALDI, as if he's the only person in the audience)  
  
If they tried to frame you  
  
And that's what it came to  
  
I'd have lent a hand to you  
  
I'm breaking every bargain that I've made here  
  
I'm losing count of everyone that I've betrayed here  
  
So please aid my survival  
  
Keep this from my rival  
  
Though he has earned all of this and more  
  
You can tell the Vir Cotto, that's alright  
  
'Cause I don't let him out my sight  
  
But don't tell Refa what you saw.  
  
[LONDO goes over to a reserved table for two, waits a few moments and then picks up the telephone]  
  
LONDO: Table number three  
  
[The phone on Garibaldi's table lights up]  
  
GARIBALDI: Hello?  
  
LONDO: Relaxing, Garibaldi?  
  
GARIBALDI: I wish I were.  
  
LONDO: On duty then?  
  
GARIBALDI: I'm sorry.  
  
LONDO: But you speak to me! You speak to me, and you don't want anything from me! Will you just - keep talking - please? You can't imagine how starved I've been!  
  
GARIBALDI: Okay. Let me think (He recites)  
  
Be Werry Quiiiiiet.  
  
I'm hunting Waaaaabbits.  
  
LONDO: Yes - yes - don't stop, please.  
  
GARIBALDI: That's all I know, look I'm on duty.  
  
LONDO: Such a beautiful language...  
  
GARIBALDI: Londo have you gone crazy?  
  
LONDO: It's like music! (pause) Why did you stop?  
  
GARIBALDI: Because I asked you a question. Have you gone crazy?  
  
LONDO: Oh. I see. Well - I'm not absolutely sure that's possible - at this time it seems that the universe is crazy, a little more here and there seems to make no difference.  
  
MORDEN: Mes Damen und Herren, Minbari and Narns, Ladies and Gentlemen. It is almost midnight! Ambassadors, in only ten seconds your last, best hope for peace will have failed. Five-four-three-two-Happy New Year.  
  
[The lights go out, in the background we hear the scream of a Shadow vessel waking. Then a match is lit in the darkness, it is IVANOVA lighting a menorah]  
  
GARIBALDI: Susan what the hell are you doing?  
  
IVANOVA: It's new years. (Pause, then deadpan) And I'm Jewish. (Another pause, then yet more deadpan) And Russian.  
  
SCENE 2  
  
[GARIBALDI is in a tiny room in downbelow, sitting at a desk. There is the B5 "somebody at the door" bleeping noise. DELENN enters]  
  
DELENN: Mister Garibaldi, there is a Centauri to see you. A Centauri in a frock coat.  
  
GARIBALDI: Londo? Send him in. [DELENN exits]  
  
[Londo enters wearing a frock coat, his fingernails are painted green]  
  
LONDO: Garibaldi! [Embraces him] My good friend, would you be so good as to get my bag [GARIBALDI exits, somewhat flustered] [LONDO surveys the room approvingly] It's lovely Fraulein Delenn! All these wonderful old pieces! [GARIBALDI returns with his bag] Just put it anywhere. I'll unpack later.  
  
GARIBALDI: Unpack? Londo...  
  
LONDO: I'll just be here temporarily.  
  
GARIBALDI: Londo, what's this all about?  
  
LONDO: Did you guess I was terrified?  
  
GARIBALDI: Were you?  
  
LONDO: No! Of course not. But I have been recalled to Centauri Prime.  
  
GARIBALDI: You mean Cartagia...  
  
LONDO: My dear Mister Garibaldi. And you know whose fault it was? [He points at GARIBALDI] If you hadn't come to the Zocalo - and made me look like I had the ear of earthforce security - [He suddenly sits up] You know what I'd love? A drop of Brevari.  
  
GARIBALDI: I don't have any...  
  
LONDO: [picks up a copy of the Book of G'Quan] Are these your notes? [He opens it] They're in Narn! [He looks at the cover]. The book of G'Quan?  
  
GARIBALDI: I thought I should know something about Narn religion.  
  
LONDO: Why? You're human. You know, apart from you I've never known a chief of security. Will I be allowed to watch you work? I promise to be incredibly quiet...  
  
GARIBALDI: I don't think I can take care of station security with somebody else - on the premises.  
  
LONDO: I'm hardly noticeable. I'll go out when you're investigating matters of station security. I'll take long, invigorating walks.  
  
GARIBALDI: In downbelow? No - no - I've got work to do. I could never explain this arrangement, it's too peculiar.  
  
LONDO: Peculiar? Not in the least!  
  
I think people are people. I really do Garibaldi, don't you?  
  
I don't think they should be made to apologise for anything they do.  
  
For example, if I paint my fingernails green  
  
And it happens I do paint them green - well if someone should ask me why,  
  
GARIBALDI: Now you come to mention it Londo, what is up with that?  
  
LONDO: I think it's pretty.  
  
GARIBALDI: Londo something's been going seriously wrong with you recently. What happened.  
  
LONDO: It's a long story.  
  
GARIBALDI: Try me  
  
LONDO: [music beginning to rise in the background] If anybody should ask "what do you want?" one day  
  
You have two alternatives:  
  
You can either say: "I want to be living in delicious sin with a dozen exptic dancers on homeworld."  
  
Or you can simply tell them the truth and say...  
  
[LONDO Sings]  
  
We had this perfectly marvellous world  
  
And the Narns were a marv'lous slave race  
  
The Republic was great for hundreds of marvellous years  
  
Before we knew it we'd been overthrown, our downfall.  
  
Next moment none of or worlds were own  
  
And still that's not all. It's perfectly easy to see  
  
That my people weren't where they should be  
  
How we'd wound up so faded was truly no less than a crime.  
  
So I made this perfectly reasonable deal  
  
With a perfectly pers'nable man  
  
For the sake of my people and leading them back to their prime.  
  
GARIBALDI: Londo, I'm afraid it didn't work. There's too much destruction.  
  
LONDO: Destruction? Yes! Inevitable! (He sings)  
  
He told me perfectly marvellous tales  
  
Of my thrillingly grand destiny  
  
Then he showed to me all of the things his associates could do  
  
He never told me their plan was to force  
  
Evolution  
  
And through him I have followed my course  
  
Of retribution  
  
And perfectly marvellous too  
  
Are his minders, the ones you can't see  
  
Ones that crowd in beside him, ensure that he's never alone.  
  
Yes he's a terribly dangerous man  
  
And has horribly powerful friends  
  
Though you may think it risible  
  
Really how could I have known?  
  
[we fade to darkness]  
  
Scene 3  
  
[the lights rise on MORDEN, there is the fingernail-on blackboard screech that we all know and loathe, and for a second, in the darkness, we see the shapes of two SHADOWS - SHADOW 1 and SHADOW 2]  
  
MORDEN: Everybody on Babylon Five has their agents, their watchers, their... associates. Some people, have two people  
  
SHADOW 1: [Singing, if it can be called that, in the half-scream half-wail we have come to associate with Morden's "associates"] Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeeee [the tail of the last "dee" rising into a high pitched shriek]  
  
SHADOW 2: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: [Singing, deadpan] Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deedle-dee-deedle-dee-dee  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: Associates...  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: Associates...  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: They've got a master plan, Ja!  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: I like it.  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: They like it  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: We'll watch worlds burn.  
  
I've pulled strings of power  
  
I brought back the eye  
  
It serves the agenda, so what if people die  
  
We've got one aim in common, these two and me  
  
The key  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee  
  
MORDEN: The key  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee  
  
MORDEN: The key  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-deedle-deedle-dee  
  
MORDEN: They switch targets daily  
  
They strike where they please  
  
First Narn then Brakiri  
  
Then on to the Vree.  
  
Both ends 'gainst the middle  
  
"Alliance of Light"  
  
Won't do you no good 'gainst the coming long night.  
  
[in the stage version there is, I believe, now an interlude as the emcee and the "ladies" romp under the sheets to unconvincing "aaah" noises. This sequence should now be repeated with the shadow-scream taking their place]  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: Associates...  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: Associates...  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: They've got a master plan, Ja!  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: I like it.  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: They like it  
  
SHADOWS: Beedle-dee-deedle-dee-deeeeeeeeee  
  
MORDEN: We'll watch worlds burn.  
  
[Lights down] 


End file.
